Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize