you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
