I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i already hear my dad disowning me
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
