please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
