if i can run in heels then i can drive
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
