I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
