I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
