i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
