My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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