Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
