why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
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