like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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