I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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