she woke up with a sticky ear
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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