Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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