ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
