How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
