party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
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