I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
