Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
