please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
