He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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