Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
