I don't think we should have started that trash fire
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
