Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
