I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
