the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
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