i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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