this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
