I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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