The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
