apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
