I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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