Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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