i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
