She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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