Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
