Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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