There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
