So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
