if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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