I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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