I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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