Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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