So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
