U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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