I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
