Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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