I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my being single is dangerous.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
