Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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