this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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