Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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