I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
