Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
