he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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