Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
