We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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