She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
