I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I would ride that face into the sunset
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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